"She's like a tricycle, we're gonna ride her until the chain breaks. Don't worry... I'de lube her up... I've got the oil for her..."

 On the lucky candle:

"This is the candle we use to call Satan"

"I mean honestly, couldn't I be perceived as a gay guy in this shirt?"

"Goddammit, I have flee bites on my dick"

"Girls only like you if you're up and coming, or rising, or on the way to fame."

"In Texas, you can sleep with girls once they turn 17, just so you know."

"If you don't high five me, you'll probably get in a car accident tonight"

"It's weird to think that homeless people have sex in obscure homeless places"

"You don't always need a woman to act like a wildabeast with your penis, sometimes you need a girl to be like a dolphin, smooth like water...like a dolphin with great boobs"

On Yvonne from the O.P.:
"She smells great! she's graceful and ladylike and kinda hip. And she just smells great"

"I'm really convinced that every song that made it to the top US charts in the 90s was pure shit...except for Def Leopard"

On indigestion:
"That's why you don't eat Freebirds before anything critical."

"Probably one of the more compelling conversations I've had with a homeless person."

"Mindcraft and Maxim. That's all I need to be happy in this life."

"If my son was gay, I would take him to a strip club and show him some big titties and nice vagina. And if he didn't like it, I'd slap him and hang him for refusing to be ungay."

"Chief Acevedo was eating cake like nobody's business."

"Damn it! We're out of juice. ... Do you think chicken broth would taste OK?"

"You speak as if I'm an alcoholic!... Don't respond to that."

On dating:
"Chasing vagina."

 an honorable facebook status update:

"Photographing Omar Rodriguez Lopez at AUSTIN PSYCH FEST tonight. I shall redeem myself from failing him during SxSW!!!!! And rock out, really, really, extra hard."

A poignant question asked by a friend of Limpdick during a late night conversation:

N.G.:"If you had crabs and lice at the same time, do you think they would fight each other for dominance over your pubes?"

"I can't believe someone would masturbate in class."

On women:
"I'm definitely over 18 year old girls. I am not doing that shit anymore."
We'll quote you on that!

On the bible:
"That burning bush that Moses saw was really a giant weed plant. That's why he had all those fucking visions."

On the couch:
"I don't butt fuck. It's not my style."